So I watched House last night and one of the docs was talking about her dead husband who had thyroid cancer and it metastasized to his brain and he died.
Wonder why I got so upset? Big tears, heart racing, shaking hands….Everybody dies when they get a brain tumor. Dies, dead…not here anymore. Turn off the TV, run to the bathroom and sob...I have got to get it under control...
We are on a dead end road and unless some brilliant doctor finds a cure for this damn disease, I will bury my child. Yes, I’ll bury my only child, my beautiful daughter who I brought into this world.
I have no idea why she continues to be stable. I thank God everyday that she is but you know what…I wonder everyday, why is Katherine stable and Kasey dead? Why? Why does that happen?
So, on another episode of House there was a Nun who was the patient and she said something to the effect of you can’t be mad at God if you don’t have faith in him. If you are mad at God then you know he is real and he exists. So I thought to myself, “I’m not really mad at God. No, I’m not mad at God at all.”
I’m mad at the fact that we don’t have a cure for this horrible, disgusting disease that is killing so many of our children every day, every week and every year. I’m mad that everybody on the entire earth knows what a Pink Ribbon stands for and no one…really, no one, knows what the color of the childhood cancer ribbon is.
I’m mad that my daughter can’t be doing all the stuff that she used to do. I’m mad that we aren’t still working hard every weekend at the ball park looking forward to Katherine earning a scholarship to play softball. I’m mad that she doesn’t look the same as she used to. I’m mad that she has scars all over her body and a bald spot on her head. I’m mad, I’m mad and I’m mad. I can’t help it. I’m so terribly mad.
My life used to be perfect. Katherine’s life used to be as close to perfect as an 11 year old child’s life can be. Not any more. It’s just like I told the group I spoke to on Friday. It takes 4 words to end your life as you know it. SHE HAS A TUMOR. Those 4 words changed my life forever.
Wait, I sound so selfish there. No, I can be selfish because I want to have my child with me. She should be taking care of me when I’m old and feeble. I shouldn’t have to be sitting with her in the hospital wondering if she’ll ever get off the ventilator. Wondering if she’ll live until Christmas next year? Wondering if she’ll die suddenly with a seizure or bleed or if she’ll lie in the bed for months suffering, losing her ability to function until finally she goes into a coma and dies.
So, my mom said today in fact that she thinks Katherine has a purpose. Hmmmm, well I’ve said from the beginning that she immediately said she wants to be famous. I’m going to work some more on that. I’m also going to continue to work on awareness for this disgusting disease.